The Misnomer of Codependency

Codependency is a term that I find to be commonly misunderstood, so I’d like to unpack this label and explore what codependency means, what it can look like, and what to do if you are someone who resonates with the description. It’s important to note that humans are complex so what we are exploring here is a label, not a diagnosis. It is a way of understanding a common and phenomenological experience.

Often when I hear people use the word “codependent”, it is limited to the relationship dynamic between an addict or alcoholic and their partner. I also notice that many people use the term in an attempt to describe a person who is emotionally dependent on someone else in a relationship. For example, someone who is not making choices in their own interest, but is making choices to remain attached to their partner at all costs. This is where I find codependency can be a misnomer, because the name itself infers that one is dependent on another person. There’s nuance here though folks, because many people who are codependent in their behaviors are actually quite anti-dependent. They may not “see themselves” in this definition because they find that they tend to refuse help, experience discomfort with dependency on others, and in fact may struggle with intimacy or emotional closeness in relationships. So, let’s take another look at the complexities of codependent behaviors and their origins.

What are some examples of codependent behaviors?

Codependency is a term used to describe a set of relational behaviors that can include: enabling (doing for others what they can and should do for themselves), difficulty setting healthy boundaries, self-abandonment, prioritizing the needs of others, over-functioning, struggling to feel self-worth or self-esteem outside of their contributions to others, feeling responsible for the well-being of others, placing responsibility on others for one’s own well-being, difficulty owning one’s reality, trouble identifying, expressing, and/or meeting wants and needs. 

Where do we learn this?

Many people who develop traits of codependency grow up in family systems where they feel out of control in their environment, and find a sense of control and self-worth by focusing on the needs of others. If the adult caregiver is emotionally dysregulated or preoccupied due to addiction, a volatile relationship, mental health struggles, abuse, or other disturbance such as unhealed trauma, the child in this system does not receive adequate co-regulation or emotional attunement. They may learn that to feel secure or psychologically safe, they need to meet the needs of their caregivers or other family members. They may not have adequate modeling of boundaries, or may lack the installation of healthy self-esteem.

Steps towards healing:

First, remember that codependency is usually the result of how we survived a difficult situation, so start with self-compassion and patience. Often, the core need underlying codependent tendencies is to feel a sense of control:  control of oneself and control of the environment, since these relational behaviors are often born out of a sense of helplessness or chaos. A therapist can help identify triggers for codependent behaviors, how to practice releasing control and finding new ways of self-soothing, and setting boundaries. Codependent traits heal when we learn how to care for ourselves and shift our focus away from other people, so creating self-care practices and learning to identify needs is a necessary and on-going step in recovery.

Resources for further reading:

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie