We are heading into the holidays at the time I am writing this, and have just exited a long election season. With that in mind, I felt inspired to share encouragement and tools for navigating differences in relationships. The skill of staying in connection with others while disagreeing is at an all-time deficit (looking at  you, social media) in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, where people are already struggling with a sense of isolation and being disconnected. I see this as a recipe for alienation and poor mental health, as we know from the abundance of research that suggests healthy relationships are ultimately what yield a healthy, long life.

Whether you are navigating run-of-the-mill conflict or disagreements about deeply held beliefs, these challenges can be managed with the right skills and the desire above all else to preserve our connection with one another. I could write an entirely separate article about the vital importance of interpersonal relationships but for now, I’d ask that you, dear reader, proceed with the assumption that the goal is to strengthen and take care of our relationships. I’ll cover some evidence-based skills from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that can help achieve this goal.

When tensions arise, we experience fear, anger, or another emotion our brains pick up on as threatening in some way. Under stress, we are prone to cognitive distortions and becoming emotionally dysregulated, which typically results in calling in for back up (cue: defense mechanisms such as blame, generalizing, shutting down or stonewalling, criticizing, devaluing, sarcasm, etc.). Whatever the catalyst, whether it’s an argument about who was supposed to take out the trash or a disagreement over values, our brain is perceiving a threat when in reality we may simply be in conversation at the dinner table. The amygdala (home of the fight-or-flight response) is taking the wheel, and reducing activity in our prefrontal cortex--the part that can reason, problem-solve and take multiple perspectives. It’s easy to see how our defensive hardwiring can get in the way.

Maintaining connection during a disagreement

1.      Use the DBT skill Radical Acceptance. Acceptance is not approval, it is accepting reality as it is without the need to resist or change it. You can use statements that help reinforce radical acceptance, my favorite one being “that’s how it is right now”. Radical Acceptance can reduce distress and suffering because it allows for the relinquishing of control over what is beyond our control.

2.      Mindfulness skills. Be aware of your body during confrontations or interpersonal stress. Notice if your breathing is rapid or shallow, notice if your body temperature is changing, notice your heart rate and perspiration. Notice your muscle tone. Bring ease and relaxation to your body and focus on deep breathing, which can help the brain stay out of fight-or-flight. Practice open listening without judgment, and start small in your daily life. Bring curiosity and resist making assumptions.

3.      Check the Facts. This is another DBT skill to assist with emotion regulation. Ask yourself questions like: what am I feeling right now? Am I experiencing judgments, assumptions, jumping to conclusions? How am I interpreting this situation, and is the interpretation based on my current emotion? Am I assuming a threat? Does my emotion match/fit the facts in front of me?

Now let’s put this skill into action: in conversation, my loved one reveals they hold a value that I strongly disagree with. I notice my emotions and body sensations changing and intensifying. If I move into labeling and assumptions, I might think, “I can’t believe they are this careless. I guess we must be living on two different planets—how are we related?!” Now differences have created disconnection. However, if I check the facts, I can notice my emotions and with mindful awareness, I can treat facts as facts and feelings as feelings. I know the person in front of me is not a threat and that my emotions are leading me to label and assign judgment that could be painting an inaccurate picture.

4.      Identify cognitive distortions and practice restructuring thoughts. Common cognitive distortions would be: black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, catastrophizing, labeling, “mindreading”, and emotional reasoning. To learn more about cognitive distortions, read this. Under stress, we’re all vulnerable to cognitive distortions. Be aware of which ones you’re most prone to and how to challenge these thoughts. For example, overgeneralizing is a distortion where the person has one experience and assumes this applies to other/future experiences: “I tried to speak up in a meeting at work once, but no one listened. It’s no use trying to give my input, no one cares to listen to me.”

Practice these skills in everyday interpersonal situations and they will become more accessible and natural when you’re experiencing disagreements. Closeness, connection and deeper emotional intimacy are often on the other side of conflict. We have to wrestle with understanding and being understood, collaborating, expanding our own perspectives, and allow for differences. Disagreements offer an opportunity for learning, personal growth and empathy if we have the willingness to hang in there and stay connected.